Empathy at the Mediation Table
Understanding Another Personâ€™s Point of Viewâ€”A Fundamental Tool of Communication
Empathy, when used appropriately is truly amazing. It strengthens and enriches our understanding of others, and enhances our ability to motivate them. Though there is no scientific way to measure the power of empathy, you can feel it when you use it, especially during mediation-type proceedings, when the opposing parties are frozen in their positions on opposite sides of the dispute. In this article, Judge Caprathe shares techniques used to show empathy and how these have helped him mediate conflicts.
Empathy, when used appropriately is truly amazing.Â It strengthens and enriches our understanding of others, and enhances our ability to motivate them.Â Though there is no scientific way to measure the power of empathy, you can feel it when you use it, especially during mediation-type proceedings, when the opposing parties are frozen in their positions on opposite sides of the dispute.
A good analogy that has been used to describe an alternative-dispute-resolution proceeding is that the opposing sides are like two disagreeing people who have knives and forks tied to their arms, sitting on the opposite ends of a long dining table.Â The food they want and need is in the middle of the table.Â The only way for them to get any of the food is to use their knives and forks to feed each other.Â But they see each other as adversaries and, especially when feelings and emotions are deeply involved, are not willing to make the first move.Â They need something to break the ice that is keeping them bound to their individual points of view.
Empathy is an excellent tool for moving the process forward, and for creating the best possibility of reasonably resolving a dispute.Â An empathetic neutral can step in, and by accurately understanding each sidesâ€™ perspectives, often break the stalemate.Â When the parties feel that they have been understood rather than judged, their positions become less exaggerated and defensive.
One of the definitions of empathy in The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language is: â€śUnderstanding so intimate that feelings, thoughts, and motives of one are readily comprehended by another.â€ťÂ This certainly is a worthy goal when communicating with another person.Â Empathy is the result of the process the perceiver uses to accurately understand the point of view of the communicator.Â The three-step process discussed below, involves the perceiver trying to understand the other personâ€™s point of view by putting themselves in the otherâ€™s shoes to view a situation or idea through their filter.
Using this process not only lets the communicator know they are understood, but also results in the perceiver developing a powerful and valuable tool for interpersonal relations, improving communication skills, and enhancing the ability to get things done through others.
Empathy is something we all practice to some degree.Â But if we are not aware of how we are using it, we may not get the best results. Â For example, when we listen to what a person is saying, we may agree or disagree in our own mind.Â If we disagree, we may be tempted to challenge their point in a judgmental manner.Â This reaction rarely loosens polarization of the parties, but rather amplifies it.Â To avoid this effect, we need to practice seeking empathy more conscientiously.
What follows is a three-step approach to building empathy.Â Like any skill, as we practice, it should become a more automatic habit that flows in a smooth, fluid sequence.
Start by recognizing that every person has their own personal, unique, individual filter through which they perceive reality.Â It is made up of their education, childhood training, attitudes, prejudices, and all their life experiences.
Next, accept the fact that everyone has their own unique filter and that this is an appropriate and good system.Â Allow other people the right to be themselves and see reality in their own way.Â You do not have to agree with or like the other personâ€™s point of view, but do not insist that they think exactly as you do. Â If you do not agree with what they are saying, hold your own reaction in abeyance.Â Do not make an adversarial response.Â You will then be ready to find out if you accurately understand what they are trying to communicate.
Steps 1 and 2 set the stage for moving past anotherâ€™s filter to get an idea of how their world looks.
There is a natural tendency to judge, evaluate, approve, or disapprove the statements of others.Â Even before they finish their statement, we may stop listening and start forming in our minds our response.Â Resist this tendency, and after intensely listening to everything the person has said, paraphrase to them in your own words what you think they mean.Â It is crucial that you share your understanding nonjudgmentally.Â That is, not agreeing nor disagreeing.Â This must be done carefully, not only avoiding judgmental words, but also being aware of your tone and voice inflection, and your entire demeanor.Â For example, do not use a tone of voice or posture that implies that their point is wrong or ridiculous.
Also, begin by showing that you have been listening carefully and are nonjudgmentally checking your own understanding for error.Â For example: â€śSo what you are saying isâ€¦;â€ť Â â€śIt sounds likeâ€¦;â€ť Â â€śCorrect me if I am wrongâ€¦;â€ť â€śWhat I am hearing isâ€¦;â€ť â€śSo from your perspectiveâ€¦;â€ť or â€śSo you feelâ€¦.â€ť Â Then, ask for acknowledgement.Â If they say you are wrong, ask them to please restate and then paraphrase again, until they acknowledge that you have correctly understood them.
If the statement you need to paraphrase is highly confrontational, you may need to reframe it to alter itsâ€™ connotation.Â For example, change a derogatory statement into something less confrontational: â€śYou cannot trust a slimy pig like him,â€ť to â€śSounds like you cannot depend on what he says.â€ť
But it is crucial not to change the statementâ€™s meaning, because your objective is to convey that you accurately understood the person.Â An accurate paraphrase allows the mediator to control the process and move the mediation forward without the parties having to make any concessions at that point.Â This will help the parties feel that someone has impartially heard and understood them, which reduces defensiveness.Â The reduction of defensiveness by one party can lead to the further reduction of defensiveness by the other party.Â Hearing the neutral accurately paraphrase both sides, could also help the parties better understand their own as well as the other sideâ€™s perspective, and begin considering each otherâ€™s interests instead of just positions.
Paraphrasing can be like an orchestra conductorâ€™s baton. Â If used correctly it can keep the flow moving forward.Â Use it on important points, emotional outbursts, and comments that may have various interpretations.Â When it appears that the trust of the mediator is low, more paraphrasing, with greater accuracy, is necessary.Â The same is true with statements of greater impact.
By conscientiously employing empathy as a tool, we will learn when and to what extent we need to paraphrase.Â This will strengthen and enrich the degree to which we understand the people with whom we are communicating.
We should practice empathy with our clients, employees, friends, spouses, children, etc. Â It does not matter what their religious or political persuasions are.Â We can use empathy in our relationships at home and away at the office, in court-rooms, in boardrooms, etc. Â The more we use it, the more our professional and personal endeavors will improve.Â Dale Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, quoted Henry Ford, who said: â€śIf there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other personâ€™s point of view and see things from that personâ€™s angle as well as your own.â€ť
As empathy becomes a habit, our ability to relate to and motivate others will multiply tremendously.
This article was previously published in the Oakland County Legal News, January 27, 2017.
William J. Caprathe spent 15 years as a successful trial attorney before being elected to the Bay County Circuit Court, Michigan, in 1980, where he served as Chief Judge from 1984 through 1997. In 1998, he became President of the Michigan Judgeâ€™s Association and later chaired the State Bar of Michiganâ€™s Judicial Conference. He is a FINRA arbitrator, Community Resolution Centers Mediator, and graduate of the National Judicial Collegeâ€™s Dispute Resolution Skills Program. After serving 30 years on the bench, Judge Caprathe retired at the end of 2010. Since then, he continues to sit on assignment, and he conducts mediations and arbitrations. His experience involves all the types of cases that come before Michigan Courts and which includes conducting many settlement conferences and trials, both jury and non-jury. He focuses his mediation and arbitration services on torts, product liability, malpractice, contracts, securities, employment, and domestic relations disputes.
Judge Caprathe can be reached at (989) 225-6407 or by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.